Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lesson9: What is it Really?

Ok what is love and how does it work? My friend told me that you are not suppose to understand it, it just is I kinda agree with that because I say that you are not suppose to go looking for it but it is suppose to come to you. But what does that mean, I looked it up and Webster defines it as the following a Love: attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

Now I know that I have felt this way, my problem is that I despite what I have said before I was in love and yes he was my great love. I just don't understand two people break up and both will go their separate ways but him he stays around now please don't get me wrong I have no problem with this I don't think. But I do have an issue with this, I have not been in a relationship since I was 17 years old and never again. I don't see the need but this one man has a way with me that I cant seem to explain. He makes me laugh and I like being around him. I need to laugh because lately I have not just been right.

I have asked my friend this question over and over and no one can answer this. Trust I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship persay but I guess that I should specify as to what I mean. I like to think that I am not a conventional person so why would anything I get involved in be normal or conventional? My point is I have no clue what I want but I do know that it wont be something normal. (whatever that means) I want it to be some crazy abnormal shit that no but the the important people get, I want other people to look at it and be plane ole confused about what they are looking at, like an abstract painting. Clearly an abnormal person would say something like that which proves my point completely.

But with all that being said nothing in me feels loved, I know my friends love or at least I think so. That is not what I am talking about, today my mother told me that I need a man to comfort me because she was tired of doing it. Lets not talk about how she is my mother and that is her job sometimes. Lets look at the fact that after getting pissed and wanting to crawl deeper into the hole that I am currently digging for myself, I thought about it and that is what I want well not a boyfriend but I want someone to love me. I want this unconditional love that no matter what type of crap comes out my mouth he still loves me, no matter how many cheese burgers I eat he will still love me, no matter how messy I am this man will still love me. Is that too much to ask for? For someone to look in my eyes and know that they love everything that is me and know without a doubt that I love him.

Is that too much to ask, I really want to know because I don't think so. But then again you cant depend on me because I am a bit much. Now I don't know where all of this came from all of a sudden. But the more I sit in the house alone with my thought this is what I think of, it is that ache. I have finally worked this shit out at least for now. (who knows how long this will last) So another question have I met my love or in the maylay of frustration did I miss him? I don't know about anyone else but I am a good judge of people I can tell with in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone what they are like. None of my friends can understand this but I do, I don't like to waste my time and I don't. I know when I have met someone that I wouldn't mind spending time with. (although those times are few and far between) I know that I have a habit of writing people off but to me I don't think it is a problem. I don't know if I am wrong but deep down I know it is not.

How is it that you meet someone and for almost 10 years the some how remain a consistent force in your life. How does that work? You have fused and fought with is person, yall have been through a lot and somehow they seem to always resurface some how,when so many people have come and gone this person is still there. It troubles me when I compare it to how many people you pass on the street in a day and might come in contact with later on in life and this one person has always had a way of coming back. I don't know it kind of bothers me. I don't understand how this person simply walked into my life, someone that I passed almost everyday that I really didn't pay attention to literally walked into to my life. I don't want to be presumptious but was this meant to be. I mean are we meant to be friends, if I told the story may it would be easier to understand. Its like when you know something deep down in your heart but you don't want to make assumptions because you have been wrong where this person is concerned. What is it really, what am I trying to say? I want someone to love me is that it?


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