Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Lesson 8: I Am Tired

Ok, I think that I am a gluten for punishment, I don't know why I revisit things, issues, people, whatever. I guess I wish that things will change when in fact people are still full of the same old bullshit. I never expect anything from anyone because when they fall short I will be angry and I hate that feeling so I don't expect anything from anyone. I do daydream and I think that is my problem, I build people up in my head and they always seem to fall short. I am so tired of being angry and lonely I have done it for so damn long and I am just tired it has finally worn me out. I am not saying that I want to be in a relationship I am saying that I do want someone or maybe something.

You know that pain you get in your chest that you sometimes try to pass off as heartburn but you know deep down that it is something else. Well in my case I think that I have figured out what it is, now my heart is not broken I have long since put it back together and moved on, but it is an ache. A longing type of ache that wants something that I am not willing to admit to myself is really there. It aches so bad that I cant and don't sleep, it keeps my mind going in confusing circles that make me sick. I have back myself into a conner that I cant get out of and it is like I am looking at myself, I am hold myself captive in this corner. This is something that I created myself and cant figure out how to get out.

I guess this place just got comfortable for me to be in and I have been there for so long that I never saw a reason to leave. But lately there have been things that have, well I don't want to say have changed or, well I don't know what to call it. I said earlier I don't know why I revisit certain situations but I think it is because I want to give the benifift of the doubt and see what is new. I think I am just confused because I have kinda decided to revisit a situation and I don't know what will happen and I have no control over anything. ( and you know how much I hate being out of control) The thing is it seems to be the same old shit, I hate when I start to let my guard down and then feel like I am going to regret it or feel used. I guess because I dont think that I use people and I try to be everything for everyone that I don't like to leave a person with regret. I don't like to let people down but it seem like even though I don't expect anything from anyone they always seem to promise me things spoken and unspoken and let me down or hurt my feelings. I think that is why I have put myself in a place that is comfortable, I have become so set in my ways at 23 when it comes to certain things it is so I don't get my feelings hurt.

I know that these types of things are a part of life and you have to learn from everything, but well I just don't know, I am tired of not know or having a clue about my own feelings. It seems like I can only figure out when I am mad as hell or tired but anything other than that I am clueless. Poeple get tired of looking for what is right in front of them or get tired of tring to show someone what is right in front of them. I THINK THAT AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ALL ANYONE REALLY WANTS IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.


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