If I have ever wondered where my confusion or commitment issues come from I am going to tell a story that for me may shed light on the situation.
You know how there are those people that you don't always notice right away and even when someone talks about them you still have no clue. Well I walk passed him almost everyday and said hello because we went to the same school, I notice that he was cute but that was it, I never notice him in the hallways or on the bus, nothing.
I was 15 years old and I was in the 10th grade, I was standing at the bus stop after school and realized that I didn't have my bus pass. I always left it in my coat pocket but this day it was not there and I would have notice had it not been one of the rare occasions that I got a ride to school that morning. It was raining and cold if I am not mistaken, I realized that I had to walk home, which wasn't long but I don't think that I had an umbrella and if I did I had on a skirt so it was just plane ole cold. I asked my friends at the time if they wanted to walk home, they said no.(I should have known then they were trifflin...) I turned to walk away and stop short of walking into someone's hand. I focused and realized it was a bus pass I look at the face and realized it was the boy I passed on my way to work. I said no thank you twice but he insisted. I took it and my friends decided to walk I tried to give it back he said keep it so I did. I don't remember saying thank you but anyway my friends and I got on the bus, and that was that.
I don't know how much later it was but I do remember that it was a little warmer out. A group of people including myself were walking to the bus stop and the train. I had attended a birthday party and a group of us were looking at the pictures, the boy that I had had a crush on since freshman year was finally paying attention to me. (he was a senior) For some reason that meant nothing to me because I saw the boy that saved me from a long walk home alone in the cold walking ahead of my group. I walked up to him and asked his name, he told me it was John, and he just didn't look like a John to me, for some reason I said that is not you name, he told me his real name and I hesitated he tapped his friend and asked him to tell me his name, his friend said John he said no my real name, I laughed and his friend said oh and said his real name. I believed him. I started to tell him my name and he knew it already, I smiled and told him that I didn't know if I said it then but thank you for the bus pass. He smiled at me and said no problem.
After that day I started to pay attention, he would do little things like come and give me a hug before the school day started, now I couldn't remember his name, so I call him by the name of the shoes he always wore because he had them in every color. It was a normal thing for people to get to school early and walk around the hallways until homeroom began. We started to walk around the school together and I eventually remember his name and used it, then we started to walk home together. I would spend my afternoons with him just talking and walking around our neighborhood, I would tell my parents all kinds of lies about places I would be when I would really be with him.
I remember the day that I told him that I liked him, I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. I told him he was confusing me then tried to kiss him. He pulled away and looked at me like I was crazy, then told me that if he didn't like me he wouldn't be spending all that time with me, I felt kind of stupid but he made me feel better.
I can remember the fist time he told me that he loved me, I had started playing this stupid game like I love you about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 or something I started out at a 1 and went to a 4 like in two days. He made a chart on his wall. ( it is still there it is just covered by gray paint now) I told him I loved him first one night on the phone, he waited like two days to say it back and that made me so mad, I was fussing about something I really didn't care about and was trying to hide the fact that I was mad, he grabbed both my arms, looked me in my eyes, and told me to shut up, I looked at him with fire in my eyes and he said omigod I love you, but you talk too much. I think I melted right in his arms.
So many things stick out in my head about him it was like shit just wasn't real, for once I was happy you could see it all over my face, I think that was one of the last times that I was truly happy. Then one day it all changed I don't think he changed as a person, I think he got kinda of scared because I was going away to college, I never mixed my words when it came to that, I was very clear for the start that I had no plans to go to school here. Now that is very self centered of me I know that there were other things going on that added to his behavior and plus that is only my opinion.
One moment that sticks out in my mind is two days before I left to go away to college, he wanted me to come and see him, we hadn't been seeing eye to eye on anything that whole summer, he would say one thing and do another but it was expected because he spent the whole school year doing that, it hurt and I had just started to deal with it at that point I was tired of crying. I went to his house twice that day it was a Thursday the second time he was there, I remember sitting on his bed and he moved to the floor and turned his back to me. I was happy just to be in the same room as him so that didn't bother me. HE started to talk and he began to tell me that his girlfriend then showed him that he never really loved me. The was the day my heart broke completely, it had little cracks in it before then, but right then in that moment it broke. I got up and told him to lock the door, I remember him trying to hug me, and his father watching us in the hallway as I waited for the elevator that was taking too long and deciding to run down 20 flights of steps. I remember trying to keep my tears in until I got home because I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong. I got to my room and balled, I just cried I laid in my bed and cried for hours, trying to figure out what I did to make him stop loving me.
You think that would be the end of our story right? Nope! I am 23 now and this man is still around, so many people have come and gone and he is still here. I just want someone to tell me what this means, because at 15 I knew with everything that was me I was made just for him, and now at 23 I don't want to be with anyone really but myself. I know that I still love him and want to know why? I know that whenever he calls I drop everything because I feel like it is the right thing to do for some reason, why? Why is it that when I am around him I get this funny feeling that I cant explain? WHY?? Why is it at 23 I love this man the same way I did when I was 15, better yet am I just plum fuckin crazy. I am incapable of having what may be seen as a normal relationship with other men, but everything in my backwards relationship with him seem like it is suppose to happen this way. But this is the way that I feel right now who knows what I will feel like tomorrow.