Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Lesson 10: THE STORY

If I have ever wondered where my confusion or commitment issues come from I am going to tell a story that for me may shed light on the situation.

You know how there are those people that you don't always notice right away and even when someone talks about them you still have no clue. Well I walk passed him almost everyday and said hello because we went to the same school, I notice that he was cute but that was it, I never notice him in the hallways or on the bus, nothing.

I was 15 years old and I was in the 10th grade, I was standing at the bus stop after school and realized that I didn't have my bus pass. I always left it in my coat pocket but this day it was not there and I would have notice had it not been one of the rare occasions that I got a ride to school that morning. It was raining and cold if I am not mistaken, I realized that I had to walk home, which wasn't long but I don't think that I had an umbrella and if I did I had on a skirt so it was just plane ole cold. I asked my friends at the time if they wanted to walk home, they said no.(I should have known then they were trifflin...) I turned to walk away and stop short of walking into someone's hand. I focused and realized it was a bus pass I look at the face and realized it was the boy I passed on my way to work. I said no thank you twice but he insisted. I took it and my friends decided to walk I tried to give it back he said keep it so I did. I don't remember saying thank you but anyway my friends and I got on the bus, and that was that.

I don't know how much later it was but I do remember that it was a little warmer out. A group of people including myself were walking to the bus stop and the train. I had attended a birthday party and a group of us were looking at the pictures, the boy that I had had a crush on since freshman year was finally paying attention to me. (he was a senior) For some reason that meant nothing to me because I saw the boy that saved me from a long walk home alone in the cold walking ahead of my group. I walked up to him and asked his name, he told me it was John, and he just didn't look like a John to me, for some reason I said that is not you name, he told me his real name and I hesitated he tapped his friend and asked him to tell me his name, his friend said John he said no my real name, I laughed and his friend said oh and said his real name. I believed him. I started to tell him my name and he knew it already, I smiled and told him that I didn't know if I said it then but thank you for the bus pass. He smiled at me and said no problem.

After that day I started to pay attention, he would do little things like come and give me a hug before the school day started, now I couldn't remember his name, so I call him by the name of the shoes he always wore because he had them in every color. It was a normal thing for people to get to school early and walk around the hallways until homeroom began. We started to walk around the school together and I eventually remember his name and used it, then we started to walk home together. I would spend my afternoons with him just talking and walking around our neighborhood, I would tell my parents all kinds of lies about places I would be when I would really be with him.

I remember the day that I told him that I liked him, I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. I told him he was confusing me then tried to kiss him. He pulled away and looked at me like I was crazy, then told me that if he didn't like me he wouldn't be spending all that time with me, I felt kind of stupid but he made me feel better.

I can remember the fist time he told me that he loved me, I had started playing this stupid game like I love you about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 or something I started out at a 1 and went to a 4 like in two days. He made a chart on his wall. ( it is still there it is just covered by gray paint now) I told him I loved him first one night on the phone, he waited like two days to say it back and that made me so mad, I was fussing about something I really didn't care about and was trying to hide the fact that I was mad, he grabbed both my arms, looked me in my eyes, and told me to shut up, I looked at him with fire in my eyes and he said omigod I love you, but you talk too much. I think I melted right in his arms.

So many things stick out in my head about him it was like shit just wasn't real, for once I was happy you could see it all over my face, I think that was one of the last times that I was truly happy. Then one day it all changed I don't think he changed as a person, I think he got kinda of scared because I was going away to college, I never mixed my words when it came to that, I was very clear for the start that I had no plans to go to school here. Now that is very self centered of me I know that there were other things going on that added to his behavior and plus that is only my opinion.

One moment that sticks out in my mind is two days before I left to go away to college, he wanted me to come and see him, we hadn't been seeing eye to eye on anything that whole summer, he would say one thing and do another but it was expected because he spent the whole school year doing that, it hurt and I had just started to deal with it at that point I was tired of crying. I went to his house twice that day it was a Thursday the second time he was there, I remember sitting on his bed and he moved to the floor and turned his back to me. I was happy just to be in the same room as him so that didn't bother me. HE started to talk and he began to tell me that his girlfriend then showed him that he never really loved me. The was the day my heart broke completely, it had little cracks in it before then, but right then in that moment it broke. I got up and told him to lock the door, I remember him trying to hug me, and his father watching us in the hallway as I waited for the elevator that was taking too long and deciding to run down 20 flights of steps. I remember trying to keep my tears in until I got home because I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong. I got to my room and balled, I just cried I laid in my bed and cried for hours, trying to figure out what I did to make him stop loving me.

You think that would be the end of our story right? Nope! I am 23 now and this man is still around, so many people have come and gone and he is still here. I just want someone to tell me what this means, because at 15 I knew with everything that was me I was made just for him, and now at 23 I don't want to be with anyone really but myself. I know that I still love him and want to know why? I know that whenever he calls I drop everything because I feel like it is the right thing to do for some reason, why? Why is it that when I am around him I get this funny feeling that I cant explain? WHY?? Why is it at 23 I love this man the same way I did when I was 15, better yet am I just plum fuckin crazy. I am incapable of having what may be seen as a normal relationship with other men, but everything in my backwards relationship with him seem like it is suppose to happen this way. But this is the way that I feel right now who knows what I will feel like tomorrow.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lesson9: What is it Really?

Ok what is love and how does it work? My friend told me that you are not suppose to understand it, it just is I kinda agree with that because I say that you are not suppose to go looking for it but it is suppose to come to you. But what does that mean, I looked it up and Webster defines it as the following a Love: attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

Now I know that I have felt this way, my problem is that I despite what I have said before I was in love and yes he was my great love. I just don't understand two people break up and both will go their separate ways but him he stays around now please don't get me wrong I have no problem with this I don't think. But I do have an issue with this, I have not been in a relationship since I was 17 years old and never again. I don't see the need but this one man has a way with me that I cant seem to explain. He makes me laugh and I like being around him. I need to laugh because lately I have not just been right.

I have asked my friend this question over and over and no one can answer this. Trust I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship persay but I guess that I should specify as to what I mean. I like to think that I am not a conventional person so why would anything I get involved in be normal or conventional? My point is I have no clue what I want but I do know that it wont be something normal. (whatever that means) I want it to be some crazy abnormal shit that no but the the important people get, I want other people to look at it and be plane ole confused about what they are looking at, like an abstract painting. Clearly an abnormal person would say something like that which proves my point completely.

But with all that being said nothing in me feels loved, I know my friends love or at least I think so. That is not what I am talking about, today my mother told me that I need a man to comfort me because she was tired of doing it. Lets not talk about how she is my mother and that is her job sometimes. Lets look at the fact that after getting pissed and wanting to crawl deeper into the hole that I am currently digging for myself, I thought about it and that is what I want well not a boyfriend but I want someone to love me. I want this unconditional love that no matter what type of crap comes out my mouth he still loves me, no matter how many cheese burgers I eat he will still love me, no matter how messy I am this man will still love me. Is that too much to ask for? For someone to look in my eyes and know that they love everything that is me and know without a doubt that I love him.

Is that too much to ask, I really want to know because I don't think so. But then again you cant depend on me because I am a bit much. Now I don't know where all of this came from all of a sudden. But the more I sit in the house alone with my thought this is what I think of, it is that ache. I have finally worked this shit out at least for now. (who knows how long this will last) So another question have I met my love or in the maylay of frustration did I miss him? I don't know about anyone else but I am a good judge of people I can tell with in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone what they are like. None of my friends can understand this but I do, I don't like to waste my time and I don't. I know when I have met someone that I wouldn't mind spending time with. (although those times are few and far between) I know that I have a habit of writing people off but to me I don't think it is a problem. I don't know if I am wrong but deep down I know it is not.

How is it that you meet someone and for almost 10 years the some how remain a consistent force in your life. How does that work? You have fused and fought with is person, yall have been through a lot and somehow they seem to always resurface some how,when so many people have come and gone this person is still there. It troubles me when I compare it to how many people you pass on the street in a day and might come in contact with later on in life and this one person has always had a way of coming back. I don't know it kind of bothers me. I don't understand how this person simply walked into my life, someone that I passed almost everyday that I really didn't pay attention to literally walked into to my life. I don't want to be presumptious but was this meant to be. I mean are we meant to be friends, if I told the story may it would be easier to understand. Its like when you know something deep down in your heart but you don't want to make assumptions because you have been wrong where this person is concerned. What is it really, what am I trying to say? I want someone to love me is that it?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Lesson 8: I Am Tired

Ok, I think that I am a gluten for punishment, I don't know why I revisit things, issues, people, whatever. I guess I wish that things will change when in fact people are still full of the same old bullshit. I never expect anything from anyone because when they fall short I will be angry and I hate that feeling so I don't expect anything from anyone. I do daydream and I think that is my problem, I build people up in my head and they always seem to fall short. I am so tired of being angry and lonely I have done it for so damn long and I am just tired it has finally worn me out. I am not saying that I want to be in a relationship I am saying that I do want someone or maybe something.

You know that pain you get in your chest that you sometimes try to pass off as heartburn but you know deep down that it is something else. Well in my case I think that I have figured out what it is, now my heart is not broken I have long since put it back together and moved on, but it is an ache. A longing type of ache that wants something that I am not willing to admit to myself is really there. It aches so bad that I cant and don't sleep, it keeps my mind going in confusing circles that make me sick. I have back myself into a conner that I cant get out of and it is like I am looking at myself, I am hold myself captive in this corner. This is something that I created myself and cant figure out how to get out.

I guess this place just got comfortable for me to be in and I have been there for so long that I never saw a reason to leave. But lately there have been things that have, well I don't want to say have changed or, well I don't know what to call it. I said earlier I don't know why I revisit certain situations but I think it is because I want to give the benifift of the doubt and see what is new. I think I am just confused because I have kinda decided to revisit a situation and I don't know what will happen and I have no control over anything. ( and you know how much I hate being out of control) The thing is it seems to be the same old shit, I hate when I start to let my guard down and then feel like I am going to regret it or feel used. I guess because I dont think that I use people and I try to be everything for everyone that I don't like to leave a person with regret. I don't like to let people down but it seem like even though I don't expect anything from anyone they always seem to promise me things spoken and unspoken and let me down or hurt my feelings. I think that is why I have put myself in a place that is comfortable, I have become so set in my ways at 23 when it comes to certain things it is so I don't get my feelings hurt.

I know that these types of things are a part of life and you have to learn from everything, but well I just don't know, I am tired of not know or having a clue about my own feelings. It seems like I can only figure out when I am mad as hell or tired but anything other than that I am clueless. Poeple get tired of looking for what is right in front of them or get tired of tring to show someone what is right in front of them. I THINK THAT AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ALL ANYONE REALLY WANTS IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.