Saturday, November 05, 2005

Lesson4: Lust Should Never Be As Complicated or Confusing As Love

I hate when I am in an unsure situation. Ok I was talking to this guy, you know what it wasn't even talking we were just kickin it. We went to high school together and back then I had a crush on him to me Drew was adorable. But I was so wrapped up in my ex boyfriend I didn't know up from down so nothing mattered. Anyway, in August my friends and I went to this white party and Andrew was there I peeped this man when he walked in and I had to take a deep breath. The whole night was kinda funny ( very comical) my ex was there and he was having personal issues and I felt bad. But that didn't stop me from being cute, (I was so fresh in my pretty white low cut tinkerbell dress) fuck cute I was sexy the kind of sexy where I know I am and it radiates out of my pores and I become very confident. (a shot of patron helps too)

I just knew that my curves were working in my favor that night just by the way I was breathing. So every now and then we would make eye contact and we would smile we exchanged a few brief words and I pretended like I didn't feel the heat rise inside when I closed my eyes and wish Andrew would touch me (any part of me). Like always I waited for the right time, I was sitting next to my ex and Andrew walked up the steps and past where I was sitting. I excused myself to the bathroom to make sure everything was in place, I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath and walked out the bathroom and sat down right on his lap and proceeded to be my charming flirty self (I flirt with everyone man, women, child, thing ,it) HE said some random shit about my dress or my breast I don't remember , then HE said "put my number in your phone" but just as I was about to my favorite song of the moment came on and well calculated as always I jumped up and started to dance. Then my friends and I exited the club and headed for my car, Andrew was standing across the street talking on the phone and I motioned for him to come to where I was standing, he came over and we exchanged numbers. Now there is nothing delussional or crazy about me so I knew it would take a few days for him to call me, but I am known to be a bit forward when I know that I want something. So I called and left a message a few days later. HE called me back a few days after that what we talked about is so unimportant and I really don't remember and I only remember things that are important. I wound up kickin it with HIM one night we walked and talked and Andrew was really a cool and funny person.

I am bold and I wasted no time in letting Andrew know I was down for whateva although it was done in a flirty suttle way. We exchanged a few flirty cute emails again what was said is not remembered nor important. Now here is the situation, from the start I wanted nothing more than sex. I have very warped views on relationships so the thought never crossed my mind in the beginning. Why I spent more than 5 minutes with this man and we were not having sex is so beyond me, we spent time doing what seemed like getting to know each other and talking, even this was too much for me. Why because I began to get this familiar feeling, Now I am going to be honest with myself and I hate doing that out loud or in writing: I was starting to like HIM. (yes I said it) I was a gitty school girl when he kissed me for the first time. It was like something out of one of those dumb teen movies. It was late one night and we were sitting in my car and he got real close to my face and then he kiss me, in my head I was like about damn time that took way too long. But I quickly put that out of my head (just wasn't going to happen and I am never interested in being delussional about things) because there was a more pressing issue at hand.

The last time that I saw Andrew, I called him at about 11am and told him to come to my house, I had a plan and I was so in lust with him that I sat happily the night before putting together my very simple plan. I said 11am right this man fell in my house at 2pm. (now I unfortunately live with my mother and father and they get off work at about 2:30- 3:00pm add that hot shit up) I was so annoyed on the inside because I wanted this man that bad (this was also a combination of some pent up stress, if you know what I mean) I had all kinds of crazy shit going through my head about shit I wanted to do. (yes I am a freak and a mothafukin proud one) The problem is I never got the chance to play out any of my freak thoughts.

I am a very pridefull person so I hate when I question myself. This shit fucked with my ego because I feel like I was rejected. What I don't understand is what the problem was, I am very good at putting my feelings aside or not having them at all in order to get what I want. I don't get it I am not crazy, clingy, annoying, shit half the time I don't even care, I hate stupid games and try my best not to be involved in the crap. (sometime you just cant help getting sucked in) I know that my personality can be a bit much and my friends say that I can be very intimidating, but I take special care to only let a select few in and I keep what looks like a warm exterior but it is really so cold it hot. I know that I can be a cold bitch and not think twice about a man's feelings where I am not concerned. That too is all me.

All I wanted was to sleep with him nothing more nothing less. Men always say that they would love to have sex with women who don't lose their minds when they cum and get all clingy. Like for real am I wrong? The problem for me arose when I didn't understand what was going on I didn't get the long walks, window shopping, talking on the phone or all the random time that we spent together. Was he trying to run game on me if so why I already said that I was down to get down. Why all the filler, I could have got the business in a car, outside, in a bed where ever, ( I am not a hoe far from I have issues with people I don't want to touch me touching me but surroundings don't bother me if I am good to go lets go) I mean I am forward but there are some things that I want a man to do because I still want to feel like a woman. Lust should never be as complicated or confusing as love there is no point as long as the people involved play their positions properly. I always know what I am doing. No Filler, No Games, No Bullshit!


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