Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lesson3: I Am Not Nor Have I Ever Been A Dumb Bitch And I will Not Pretend For You

The Letter:
Hey, what's up? How have you been? Hope everything is going well with you. I wanted to send this email to you earlier but I didn't know how to express my anger into words. All week I've been trying to figure out where shit went wrong. And now that I've calmed down about things I feel I could express why this is hurting me so much and just how much I care about you.I know that I said that I was fine with just simply being friends but I am unsure how this is suppose to work. I let my guard down and now I feel like I have to quickly put it back up and put away everything I was feeling in order to make this work with you. Put yourself in my place what would you do if the tables were turned. I feel like I am selling myself short and I deserve more. (I think you do too) Because I don’t, but then do want to be your friend and my reasons are purely selfish. You want to keep me around for selfish reasons and I know that, do you think any of this is fair to me because it seems like by me sticking around everyone is getting what they want except for me, she gets you, you get me and her and what do I get out of this? Because if you had feelings for me don’t you think that would create problems, or is that why you are distancing yourself from me. Are there rules to the way we or I should act, am I not suppose to miss you or wish you were here because at this moment I am mad at you but I still miss you and wish I could lay in your arms. What is suppose to happen? Let me be perfectly clear I didn't know where we were going, but I did like the place that we were in, to me it was comfortable. I was in no rush. I was just getting my bearings as for as you were concerned you made me feel different you pushed me to let you in and be ok with having feelings for you, I started to give in and I was willing to overlook so much and put a lot of things aside with you.It is so funny that you have the audacity that you do, you have come at me sideways with this whole thing, I offered to take myself out of the equation on Friday and you got mad at me for even suggesting it, I have given you a few chances to let me go without any hard feelings you didn't take any of them. It’s funny that before all of this we were friends you would call for anything, you said I pick you up when you are down and I make you feel at home when you talk to me. Now you wont even respond to a simple text message. Why are you trying to brush me off like I don’t matter? (What are you thinking??) Now my feelings are hurt and I don’t know what to do to fix this cause I don’t like this feeling. Don’t you think that is selfish? This makes me wonder if you ever cared anything about me or was I just around to occupy time until she came back?I knew that you were holding out hope that she would come begging for you back I am not stupid but damn I thought that maybe I meant something. (Ididn'tss I didn’t) I don’t understand your motives for taking her back now. Because you told me that you just got out of a bad relationship but you went back to that same relationship. What changed in 12 days? I don’t understand why you think that I can be ok with this because you said so, I am not. Did you think that the feelings that I have for you would disappear and I would be fine with just being your friend or that I was going to quickly refocus them on someone else. Really what did you think I was going to do? I care about you and I can’t let myself feel like I am playing second fiddle to anyone else because in essence that is what I would be doing. What does she have that I don’t, what besides history could she have over me, I am not talking about looks or anything like that, just what am I lacking? Is it that I am not her because that I can’t be I am Jessica the one and only sensitive, understanding, caring, corny, silly, annoying, sometimes aggravating me.You want me to be something to you that she should be, I know that if I were in a relationship I would want to be everything to that person no matter what he wanted or needed physically, mentally and emotionally, he would know that he could come to me and I would be there. He would know that simply laying in my arms would make all his worries and insecurities disappear. I would want to have the type of relationship where we complete each other where I'm lacking he has me and where he is lacking I got him no matter what it is, I want something unconditional where he knows that we are playing for keeps not until someone fucks up however unintentional it may be. But I have told you this before. I don’t get what made her come back (no I do get it, you are caring, sweet, understanding, lovable, you are wouldn't man, who wouldn’t want that or be upset that the possibility was gone) because you made it clear at least to me with the things that you told me about the issues yall have and the things that sdidn'tid, that she didn’t want you (Becawouldn't she did we wouldn’t even know each other) and now she does that is crazy to me because I want you and it hurts me that I cant have you. I am not going to front and at this point what can I really lose? I want you; you got me to feel things I have never felt. I got sprung off of you as a person nothing else. You seem to always be real with me; you never had a problem putting me in my place even if it was saying my name a certain way. I was turned on by how smart you are, that you are sensitive, weird, funny, caring, I was excited about the possibilities, I love the fact that the thought of you can make me smile. You madedidn'tcomfortable, I didn’t mind missing you it added something, I was happy and it showed. You got me in a way that no has before, the way you looked at me, shit the sound of your voice could get me to do anything, your personality was sexy to me.There seems like there can't be a compromise to this, and it is clear that you don’t want me or you do and you want to see how this is going to play out with her. I thought that I could just sit back and be like whatever and still be chill but such a short time has passed I find myself reverting to my old ways, I am angry and bitter it came back just that quick. I am mad that I could even entertain the thought of you and that I even considered that I could do this because I don't know if I can. If you would have done this 2 months ago I would have just brushed this off now I am fucked up in the game once again. I don’t have control and I made peace with that days ago right about tdidn'time you decided I didnt matter. I don’t think that you were fair to me, you never even gave it a chance, and it makes me feel like I did something wrong because you just tossed me to the side like I never mattered. I guess I have a problem at holding people to their word and to me you went back on that and that is fucked up. You said that you cared about me but how could you really? I am upset or maybe just embarrassed that I thought more of and you did exactly what I expected you to do I wanted so bad to prove myself wrong I thought you were my breath if fresh air.You wanted the benefit of the doubt and I gave it to yodidn'td then some but you didn’t even give me the same consideration. I cardidn'tout you because if I didn’t I would not be having this much trouble with this, I can’t seem to figure out why, are you really worth it but then again you are to me. But I just want you to understand where I am coming from. How would you feel if you were in my place, an in the first instance Sean told me that he wanted me back and I went running with bells on.Yes, I love that man but it has evolved into something else it had to in order for me to move on and get past all the hurt, it was part of my healing process. I was with Sean on Friday, and through all his bullshit he was trying to get back with me, all I could think about was you. Not only was I thinking about you but I was thinking about your situation with her. I mean I've been through it all. The heartbreaks, the begging, the other woman, pregnancy, all the confusion and me getting pregnant. It's crazy when you love someone so much that you try to look through all their bullshit and try to be with them. But in the end, it's not healthy. If it was meant to be, it will happen and not by force. Yeah it's comfortable going with what you know but isn't happiness more important? And what makes things even worse is that you still want me around for everything she's supposed to be. That’s not how things are supposed to go in a relationship. Relationships are a bond between two people and you are giving so much to that person you need at the very least trust. You shouldn't have to turn to others when things go wrong what’s the point of being together. Shit I should know. Where do you think Ron came in? He was Elliot's Jessica. He was there for me to hug and to hold me. He was there to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. We ended up falling for each other but I was too busy crying over Sean to even realize what a good man I had in front of me. I don't regret anything because I learned from it. I’m not telling you my sob story to rub it in your face. I’m telling you this so that you really think over things. I don’t want to see a person like you in a fucked up situation. You don't deserve the bullshit you have been through.In the end none of this really matters I figured that I had nothing to loose to tell you exactly how I am feeling. Only the oracle knows how this will play out but I know me and I now have a soft spot for you, I am a sweetheart so you will have your way and I guess I will take it and smile because you mean a lot to me and I don’t want to loose you as a friend. I got your back regardless there are no conditions to me. The ball is in your court; you make it do what it do Baby.

XOXOXO
Jessica

The Response:
Ohh my god J, I don’t know what to say, I want to cry… the feeling I’m was trying to avoid are now back… Special I (sighing) the things I pulled im aware of… I think about J, I really do… I have this dream I reply over in my head, it’s when u told me about all the material things you wanted and I picture us in that house you described, I picture us rich together… doing crazy dumb shit… I feel happy in this dream… the time I spent with you there was never a dull moment, you made me forget there was such a world where there are people there to fuck me over… once we stepped out of the room it dawned on me that I was on earth. Jessica, darling (shaking my head) what can I say… I totally let her go… without a second thought… My world is spinning right now but not on the earth’s axis, it’s spinning like a basketball on penny Hardaway finger. My situation is thick and to tell you the truth I don’t know, J, (frustrated) I don’t know, the oracle never told me I would be in a tight spot nor do I have the tools to get myself out of this. I cant describe my feeling I don’t think im in tune with them, I keep my head on a swivel just to see blurr… I have to much on my plate!It just dawned on me I want someone to come take me away and say I got you. (smiling) that would be nice, I don’t want to make decisions maret now, someone should take charge and say…”a look Maur-ice pack your things you coming with me, don’t worry about anything I got you.”Maybe I’m crazy but Like Kanye West said “ I’ve been working this grave shift, and I haven’t made shit, I wish I could buy me a space ship and fly….past the sky!!!”I can’t put into words what I feel and that’s odd cause I’m nice with the writing I’m no English major but my style of writing can be felt. Special J I don’t know, suga, I don’t know

The What Factor:
Now I am so going to shout this man out because well I can Elliot! How do you respone to a letter that I wrote with this Anna Nicloe mess. What, is the only thing that came to mind when I first read this trash. This man first nachlantly told me that he had a girlfriend like he was going to get a glass of milk. I cut his ass of but he insisted on being my friend. Then they break up (or so he said) and he tells everyone that would listen to his ass that I was his girl then flipped and said he didnt want a relationship becuase his girl did him dirty. Then (no I am not finished) they got back together and he was still talking to me and had the nerve to go away with me and talk to his girl on the phone that is when I was done. I decided in that moment that I would keep him around to entertain me because that is all he was good for. He thought my name was Marquita because he tried to come at me with some mess about being able to have feelings for two people. BULLSHIT. Then his ditty girlfriend found emails from me to him talking about an important situation and she did nothing. How do you do nothing and the proof is right there in blue writing. Truth be told I was waiting for her to email me I would have given her my cell and we would have talked like two adults. (at least I would have) Maybe I am wrong I doubt it. Now dont get me wrong I have no feelings for this man the whole messy situation makes my head hurt but it was a lesson learned
1. Some women are really just dumb
2. I am not one of those women
3. I can be very manipulating
4. I am too smart for a dumb man
5. I do like to be held and I love affection (what women dosent)
6. I cant stand scared men (what is their purpose)
7. I is ok to open up just alliste
8. I added to my lsit of what I do and dont want in a man.
9. It is ok not to have respect of ohter people and their situations (just be ready to deal with the karma)
10. It is ok not to want a relationship.
I narrowed it down to ten because to me these are at the top of my list.

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