Monday, November 14, 2005

Lesson7: What Is Crazy About This Situation

Ok so I am crazy, I had dinner with one of my Fab friends this weekend, talking to her is like therapy to me. Because she is one of the very few people who know that I am a nut and I don't sensor myself for. As we talked I figured out that my behavior towards men is an adverse reaction to what I saw when I was growing up. I had strong women around me but they would always seem to buckle under the pressure of a man, and even as a little girl I found this to be strange. I will never forget I was 4 years old and my sister and I were at my grandmother's house and it was me her and her boyfriend at the time. The were arguing and he was threatening to leave. She threaten to hit him with a pan and he went towards the door she ran out of the kitchen and jumped in front of him and begged him not to go. I can remember standing in the living room watching this and thinking that this was one of the craziest things that I have ever seen and I was only four at the time. (clearly it stuck I am 23 and still remember this) Even as a little girl I wasn't very good at playing house because I wanted to be the boss of everyone and everything and I never wanted a husband.

I guess all of the things that I saw growing up affected me in a major way because it didn't stop with stories like that. I don't understand how women get so wrapped up in a man and lose themselves. My question is why I have seen it happen to many of my friends, I want to shake them and tell them to get over it why are you so wrapped up in this man. But then I think to myself Jessica everyone is not you. I think that people get lost in the idea of a relationship and being attached. Is it nice yes I am not going to take anything from the idea of relationships, but I don't think it is for me. I also don't think that I a ready to be in or capable of a relationship, I am too self centered and superficial. But that is something that I have embraced and vowed would only last a few more years (I think ok well maybe until I am 30)

I don't understand the dynamics of a romantic relationship because I have not seen good examples of them around me. My idea of a relationship I think is very simple:
1. I think that it should be a 50/50 thing.
2. Communication is key
3. Trust is very important
4. Always be yourself ( don't start things you don't plan to continue)
5. Speak your mind
6. Have fun
7. Don't loose who you are or give up what you believe in
8.Work together

These are just a few thing that I think are important but this is not everything because I cant limit myself to these eight things. It takes so much more to keep a relationship together.

Friday, November 11, 2005


I think that everyone should have at least one great love in their lives, unfourtunatly I have never had that. Have I loved, yes but was he the one great one no, he was my first love in every way that that is possible. But I dont think that he was my great love he has been my only love in my 23 years of exsitance. I think love is one of those things that hits you hard, you never see it coming, and dont know what the hell is going on when you are in the middle of it.

Am I looking for love hell no I dont think that you should go looking for love that is where people make their mistakes. (although you can go looking for a date) Love is something instant hence the term fall you dont expect to fall you just do. I just get dissapointed when people take advantage of love because they dont understand the concept or the meaning of love. There is one basic concept it has to be unconditonal, love is so different for everyone but I think that is something that is a constant.

I also think that you only fall in love once people are so quick to throw around the word that they cant possible really be in love because it is not a figure of speech or something should slide off a person's tounge like they are going to get milk. I know that I said before that I have loved but it was something that was conditional because I am no longer in love. I think that love comes from a person's soul because the other person has gotten that deep. Think about it once someone has gotten that deep it is hard to let them go they have become a part of you, when they hurt you hurt when they are happy so are you. It is almost an obsessive thing because you can feel that person when they are not there, or the mare thought of them can brighten the darkest day.

Love is when you look into that person's eyes and see yourself because you are truely in their heart, and nothing you say or do will make that go away because they love you. Love can never be explained it is really one of those things that is just because, you shouldnt be able to sit and explain why you love someone. Love should leave you speechless. ( although a good case of lust can do the same)

I know that I have been in complete and utter lust for only too people ( we see how one ended up) but the other I hook that shit lock stock and barrel. I was not playin I made it up in my mind that I want that man (ok boy he was kinda young, legal though just barely) and I had him a few times on different occassions. I tend to do things just to see if I can get away with them, in most situations I do, but when I dont it pisses me off. I secretly become very obsessive over the situations and go ver it in my head. Because I want to know why I did not get my way I will replay shit over and over in my head to the point that my head will start to hurt.

To be honset I dont think that Iwill ever be in love I dont think that it is in the cards for me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Lesson5: A Converstaion Between Friends That Are Over It

Jessica says:LOL men make me sick this is why I am so done! if you aint trying to fuck then holla a t your girl lata sucka
Ashlee says:lol
Jessica says:I am an ass!!!! If it aint some old shit they tryin to hit like I am dumb and I dont know no better.I am too damn calculating for these fuckin games. shit lets just get to the mothafucking point I dont feel like playin
Ashlee says:are u bloggin that
Jessica says:no heifer I am talking to you. I am so tired of niggas playin games they better watch out because all this earth needs is about 1000 men and that is just for sperm and we can keep the gay ones. Cause we can do everything eles ourselves. I would be scared if I was a man and women start to smarten up.
Ashlee says:thats a good point
Ashlee says:scare the shit out of men
Jessica says:Ugh, I am just annoied then when I state the obvious I am a bitch because I am too damn mean, shit you said the bitch was whack that is why you are fuckin me, or that bitch looks like a troll but your asss will be seen with her in public what how dose that sound anywhere near right. But when Jessica says well boo that shit dont sound right, look right, or smell right but I am suppose to rock with
Jessica says:cause you told me too, oh I must look dumb if you think your bullshit is goin to rock. this shit is just messy they are all messy, thats why they shit get fucked up and then when bitches hurt they feelings I am suppose to clean up they shit. I am so fucking done with all of them I aint fucking with girls but I am done with niggas back to the old no respect having cold calculating Jessica. Niggas
Ashlee says:ok u need to calm down
Ashlee says:they are all worng for u
Ashlee says:hence u are beign spared
Ashlee says: in some way
Ashlee says:but i get ur anger
Jessica says:Didnt ask me to rock with dumb shit when I acted like that. Because they knew that I knew that they didnt have the brains God gave they ass.
Ashlee says:its true its a bituvh ur a bitch for speaiking the truth
Ashlee says:its the double standard
Jessica says:like elliot would say "damn J you aint have to say it like that" Why me why do the dummies always like me, is there repelent for this shit. Bottle would read: Keep away broke, no job having, momma's babies, who cant hink on their own, annoying, smelly, ugly, uneducated, clingy, lying, women beating, cry baby, non-apolgetic, soft, non-sex having men (good for anything eles we left out)
Jessica says:money back garunteed!!!!
Ashlee says:damn
Jessica says:Nasty!?
Ashlee says:yea
Ashlee says:but true
Ashlee says:and if tis tiude
Ashlee says:true
Ashlee says:it need to be said
Ashlee says:u got the gutas to say it
Jessica says:I always have the guts you know I never hold my tounge
Ashlee says:i know"
Jessica says:Thats why I am a bitch
Jessica says:or better yet a stuck up ho
Ashlee says:nahhh
Ashlee says:ppl cant handle the truth
Jessica says:LOL
Jessica says:I dont ask questions that I dont want to know the anwsers to, I always want the truth. I always say the truth might make me cry but a lie makes me violent
Ashlee says:nice ananlogy
Ashlee says:ur ona roll tonite
Lesson4: Lust Should Never Be As Complicated or Confusing As Love

I hate when I am in an unsure situation. Ok I was talking to this guy, you know what it wasn't even talking we were just kickin it. We went to high school together and back then I had a crush on him to me Drew was adorable. But I was so wrapped up in my ex boyfriend I didn't know up from down so nothing mattered. Anyway, in August my friends and I went to this white party and Andrew was there I peeped this man when he walked in and I had to take a deep breath. The whole night was kinda funny ( very comical) my ex was there and he was having personal issues and I felt bad. But that didn't stop me from being cute, (I was so fresh in my pretty white low cut tinkerbell dress) fuck cute I was sexy the kind of sexy where I know I am and it radiates out of my pores and I become very confident. (a shot of patron helps too)

I just knew that my curves were working in my favor that night just by the way I was breathing. So every now and then we would make eye contact and we would smile we exchanged a few brief words and I pretended like I didn't feel the heat rise inside when I closed my eyes and wish Andrew would touch me (any part of me). Like always I waited for the right time, I was sitting next to my ex and Andrew walked up the steps and past where I was sitting. I excused myself to the bathroom to make sure everything was in place, I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath and walked out the bathroom and sat down right on his lap and proceeded to be my charming flirty self (I flirt with everyone man, women, child, thing ,it) HE said some random shit about my dress or my breast I don't remember , then HE said "put my number in your phone" but just as I was about to my favorite song of the moment came on and well calculated as always I jumped up and started to dance. Then my friends and I exited the club and headed for my car, Andrew was standing across the street talking on the phone and I motioned for him to come to where I was standing, he came over and we exchanged numbers. Now there is nothing delussional or crazy about me so I knew it would take a few days for him to call me, but I am known to be a bit forward when I know that I want something. So I called and left a message a few days later. HE called me back a few days after that what we talked about is so unimportant and I really don't remember and I only remember things that are important. I wound up kickin it with HIM one night we walked and talked and Andrew was really a cool and funny person.

I am bold and I wasted no time in letting Andrew know I was down for whateva although it was done in a flirty suttle way. We exchanged a few flirty cute emails again what was said is not remembered nor important. Now here is the situation, from the start I wanted nothing more than sex. I have very warped views on relationships so the thought never crossed my mind in the beginning. Why I spent more than 5 minutes with this man and we were not having sex is so beyond me, we spent time doing what seemed like getting to know each other and talking, even this was too much for me. Why because I began to get this familiar feeling, Now I am going to be honest with myself and I hate doing that out loud or in writing: I was starting to like HIM. (yes I said it) I was a gitty school girl when he kissed me for the first time. It was like something out of one of those dumb teen movies. It was late one night and we were sitting in my car and he got real close to my face and then he kiss me, in my head I was like about damn time that took way too long. But I quickly put that out of my head (just wasn't going to happen and I am never interested in being delussional about things) because there was a more pressing issue at hand.

The last time that I saw Andrew, I called him at about 11am and told him to come to my house, I had a plan and I was so in lust with him that I sat happily the night before putting together my very simple plan. I said 11am right this man fell in my house at 2pm. (now I unfortunately live with my mother and father and they get off work at about 2:30- 3:00pm add that hot shit up) I was so annoyed on the inside because I wanted this man that bad (this was also a combination of some pent up stress, if you know what I mean) I had all kinds of crazy shit going through my head about shit I wanted to do. (yes I am a freak and a mothafukin proud one) The problem is I never got the chance to play out any of my freak thoughts.

I am a very pridefull person so I hate when I question myself. This shit fucked with my ego because I feel like I was rejected. What I don't understand is what the problem was, I am very good at putting my feelings aside or not having them at all in order to get what I want. I don't get it I am not crazy, clingy, annoying, shit half the time I don't even care, I hate stupid games and try my best not to be involved in the crap. (sometime you just cant help getting sucked in) I know that my personality can be a bit much and my friends say that I can be very intimidating, but I take special care to only let a select few in and I keep what looks like a warm exterior but it is really so cold it hot. I know that I can be a cold bitch and not think twice about a man's feelings where I am not concerned. That too is all me.

All I wanted was to sleep with him nothing more nothing less. Men always say that they would love to have sex with women who don't lose their minds when they cum and get all clingy. Like for real am I wrong? The problem for me arose when I didn't understand what was going on I didn't get the long walks, window shopping, talking on the phone or all the random time that we spent together. Was he trying to run game on me if so why I already said that I was down to get down. Why all the filler, I could have got the business in a car, outside, in a bed where ever, ( I am not a hoe far from I have issues with people I don't want to touch me touching me but surroundings don't bother me if I am good to go lets go) I mean I am forward but there are some things that I want a man to do because I still want to feel like a woman. Lust should never be as complicated or confusing as love there is no point as long as the people involved play their positions properly. I always know what I am doing. No Filler, No Games, No Bullshit!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lesson3: I Am Not Nor Have I Ever Been A Dumb Bitch And I will Not Pretend For You

The Letter:
Hey, what's up? How have you been? Hope everything is going well with you. I wanted to send this email to you earlier but I didn't know how to express my anger into words. All week I've been trying to figure out where shit went wrong. And now that I've calmed down about things I feel I could express why this is hurting me so much and just how much I care about you.I know that I said that I was fine with just simply being friends but I am unsure how this is suppose to work. I let my guard down and now I feel like I have to quickly put it back up and put away everything I was feeling in order to make this work with you. Put yourself in my place what would you do if the tables were turned. I feel like I am selling myself short and I deserve more. (I think you do too) Because I don’t, but then do want to be your friend and my reasons are purely selfish. You want to keep me around for selfish reasons and I know that, do you think any of this is fair to me because it seems like by me sticking around everyone is getting what they want except for me, she gets you, you get me and her and what do I get out of this? Because if you had feelings for me don’t you think that would create problems, or is that why you are distancing yourself from me. Are there rules to the way we or I should act, am I not suppose to miss you or wish you were here because at this moment I am mad at you but I still miss you and wish I could lay in your arms. What is suppose to happen? Let me be perfectly clear I didn't know where we were going, but I did like the place that we were in, to me it was comfortable. I was in no rush. I was just getting my bearings as for as you were concerned you made me feel different you pushed me to let you in and be ok with having feelings for you, I started to give in and I was willing to overlook so much and put a lot of things aside with you.It is so funny that you have the audacity that you do, you have come at me sideways with this whole thing, I offered to take myself out of the equation on Friday and you got mad at me for even suggesting it, I have given you a few chances to let me go without any hard feelings you didn't take any of them. It’s funny that before all of this we were friends you would call for anything, you said I pick you up when you are down and I make you feel at home when you talk to me. Now you wont even respond to a simple text message. Why are you trying to brush me off like I don’t matter? (What are you thinking??) Now my feelings are hurt and I don’t know what to do to fix this cause I don’t like this feeling. Don’t you think that is selfish? This makes me wonder if you ever cared anything about me or was I just around to occupy time until she came back?I knew that you were holding out hope that she would come begging for you back I am not stupid but damn I thought that maybe I meant something. (Ididn'tss I didn’t) I don’t understand your motives for taking her back now. Because you told me that you just got out of a bad relationship but you went back to that same relationship. What changed in 12 days? I don’t understand why you think that I can be ok with this because you said so, I am not. Did you think that the feelings that I have for you would disappear and I would be fine with just being your friend or that I was going to quickly refocus them on someone else. Really what did you think I was going to do? I care about you and I can’t let myself feel like I am playing second fiddle to anyone else because in essence that is what I would be doing. What does she have that I don’t, what besides history could she have over me, I am not talking about looks or anything like that, just what am I lacking? Is it that I am not her because that I can’t be I am Jessica the one and only sensitive, understanding, caring, corny, silly, annoying, sometimes aggravating me.You want me to be something to you that she should be, I know that if I were in a relationship I would want to be everything to that person no matter what he wanted or needed physically, mentally and emotionally, he would know that he could come to me and I would be there. He would know that simply laying in my arms would make all his worries and insecurities disappear. I would want to have the type of relationship where we complete each other where I'm lacking he has me and where he is lacking I got him no matter what it is, I want something unconditional where he knows that we are playing for keeps not until someone fucks up however unintentional it may be. But I have told you this before. I don’t get what made her come back (no I do get it, you are caring, sweet, understanding, lovable, you are wouldn't man, who wouldn’t want that or be upset that the possibility was gone) because you made it clear at least to me with the things that you told me about the issues yall have and the things that sdidn'tid, that she didn’t want you (Becawouldn't she did we wouldn’t even know each other) and now she does that is crazy to me because I want you and it hurts me that I cant have you. I am not going to front and at this point what can I really lose? I want you; you got me to feel things I have never felt. I got sprung off of you as a person nothing else. You seem to always be real with me; you never had a problem putting me in my place even if it was saying my name a certain way. I was turned on by how smart you are, that you are sensitive, weird, funny, caring, I was excited about the possibilities, I love the fact that the thought of you can make me smile. You madedidn'tcomfortable, I didn’t mind missing you it added something, I was happy and it showed. You got me in a way that no has before, the way you looked at me, shit the sound of your voice could get me to do anything, your personality was sexy to me.There seems like there can't be a compromise to this, and it is clear that you don’t want me or you do and you want to see how this is going to play out with her. I thought that I could just sit back and be like whatever and still be chill but such a short time has passed I find myself reverting to my old ways, I am angry and bitter it came back just that quick. I am mad that I could even entertain the thought of you and that I even considered that I could do this because I don't know if I can. If you would have done this 2 months ago I would have just brushed this off now I am fucked up in the game once again. I don’t have control and I made peace with that days ago right about tdidn'time you decided I didnt matter. I don’t think that you were fair to me, you never even gave it a chance, and it makes me feel like I did something wrong because you just tossed me to the side like I never mattered. I guess I have a problem at holding people to their word and to me you went back on that and that is fucked up. You said that you cared about me but how could you really? I am upset or maybe just embarrassed that I thought more of and you did exactly what I expected you to do I wanted so bad to prove myself wrong I thought you were my breath if fresh air.You wanted the benefit of the doubt and I gave it to yodidn'td then some but you didn’t even give me the same consideration. I cardidn'tout you because if I didn’t I would not be having this much trouble with this, I can’t seem to figure out why, are you really worth it but then again you are to me. But I just want you to understand where I am coming from. How would you feel if you were in my place, an in the first instance Sean told me that he wanted me back and I went running with bells on.Yes, I love that man but it has evolved into something else it had to in order for me to move on and get past all the hurt, it was part of my healing process. I was with Sean on Friday, and through all his bullshit he was trying to get back with me, all I could think about was you. Not only was I thinking about you but I was thinking about your situation with her. I mean I've been through it all. The heartbreaks, the begging, the other woman, pregnancy, all the confusion and me getting pregnant. It's crazy when you love someone so much that you try to look through all their bullshit and try to be with them. But in the end, it's not healthy. If it was meant to be, it will happen and not by force. Yeah it's comfortable going with what you know but isn't happiness more important? And what makes things even worse is that you still want me around for everything she's supposed to be. That’s not how things are supposed to go in a relationship. Relationships are a bond between two people and you are giving so much to that person you need at the very least trust. You shouldn't have to turn to others when things go wrong what’s the point of being together. Shit I should know. Where do you think Ron came in? He was Elliot's Jessica. He was there for me to hug and to hold me. He was there to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. We ended up falling for each other but I was too busy crying over Sean to even realize what a good man I had in front of me. I don't regret anything because I learned from it. I’m not telling you my sob story to rub it in your face. I’m telling you this so that you really think over things. I don’t want to see a person like you in a fucked up situation. You don't deserve the bullshit you have been through.In the end none of this really matters I figured that I had nothing to loose to tell you exactly how I am feeling. Only the oracle knows how this will play out but I know me and I now have a soft spot for you, I am a sweetheart so you will have your way and I guess I will take it and smile because you mean a lot to me and I don’t want to loose you as a friend. I got your back regardless there are no conditions to me. The ball is in your court; you make it do what it do Baby.


The Response:
Ohh my god J, I don’t know what to say, I want to cry… the feeling I’m was trying to avoid are now back… Special I (sighing) the things I pulled im aware of… I think about J, I really do… I have this dream I reply over in my head, it’s when u told me about all the material things you wanted and I picture us in that house you described, I picture us rich together… doing crazy dumb shit… I feel happy in this dream… the time I spent with you there was never a dull moment, you made me forget there was such a world where there are people there to fuck me over… once we stepped out of the room it dawned on me that I was on earth. Jessica, darling (shaking my head) what can I say… I totally let her go… without a second thought… My world is spinning right now but not on the earth’s axis, it’s spinning like a basketball on penny Hardaway finger. My situation is thick and to tell you the truth I don’t know, J, (frustrated) I don’t know, the oracle never told me I would be in a tight spot nor do I have the tools to get myself out of this. I cant describe my feeling I don’t think im in tune with them, I keep my head on a swivel just to see blurr… I have to much on my plate!It just dawned on me I want someone to come take me away and say I got you. (smiling) that would be nice, I don’t want to make decisions maret now, someone should take charge and say…”a look Maur-ice pack your things you coming with me, don’t worry about anything I got you.”Maybe I’m crazy but Like Kanye West said “ I’ve been working this grave shift, and I haven’t made shit, I wish I could buy me a space ship and fly….past the sky!!!”I can’t put into words what I feel and that’s odd cause I’m nice with the writing I’m no English major but my style of writing can be felt. Special J I don’t know, suga, I don’t know

The What Factor:
Now I am so going to shout this man out because well I can Elliot! How do you respone to a letter that I wrote with this Anna Nicloe mess. What, is the only thing that came to mind when I first read this trash. This man first nachlantly told me that he had a girlfriend like he was going to get a glass of milk. I cut his ass of but he insisted on being my friend. Then they break up (or so he said) and he tells everyone that would listen to his ass that I was his girl then flipped and said he didnt want a relationship becuase his girl did him dirty. Then (no I am not finished) they got back together and he was still talking to me and had the nerve to go away with me and talk to his girl on the phone that is when I was done. I decided in that moment that I would keep him around to entertain me because that is all he was good for. He thought my name was Marquita because he tried to come at me with some mess about being able to have feelings for two people. BULLSHIT. Then his ditty girlfriend found emails from me to him talking about an important situation and she did nothing. How do you do nothing and the proof is right there in blue writing. Truth be told I was waiting for her to email me I would have given her my cell and we would have talked like two adults. (at least I would have) Maybe I am wrong I doubt it. Now dont get me wrong I have no feelings for this man the whole messy situation makes my head hurt but it was a lesson learned
1. Some women are really just dumb
2. I am not one of those women
3. I can be very manipulating
4. I am too smart for a dumb man
5. I do like to be held and I love affection (what women dosent)
6. I cant stand scared men (what is their purpose)
7. I is ok to open up just alliste
8. I added to my lsit of what I do and dont want in a man.
9. It is ok not to have respect of ohter people and their situations (just be ready to deal with the karma)
10. It is ok not to want a relationship.
I narrowed it down to ten because to me these are at the top of my list.