Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Lesson 10: THE STORY

If I have ever wondered where my confusion or commitment issues come from I am going to tell a story that for me may shed light on the situation.

You know how there are those people that you don't always notice right away and even when someone talks about them you still have no clue. Well I walk passed him almost everyday and said hello because we went to the same school, I notice that he was cute but that was it, I never notice him in the hallways or on the bus, nothing.

I was 15 years old and I was in the 10th grade, I was standing at the bus stop after school and realized that I didn't have my bus pass. I always left it in my coat pocket but this day it was not there and I would have notice had it not been one of the rare occasions that I got a ride to school that morning. It was raining and cold if I am not mistaken, I realized that I had to walk home, which wasn't long but I don't think that I had an umbrella and if I did I had on a skirt so it was just plane ole cold. I asked my friends at the time if they wanted to walk home, they said no.(I should have known then they were trifflin...) I turned to walk away and stop short of walking into someone's hand. I focused and realized it was a bus pass I look at the face and realized it was the boy I passed on my way to work. I said no thank you twice but he insisted. I took it and my friends decided to walk I tried to give it back he said keep it so I did. I don't remember saying thank you but anyway my friends and I got on the bus, and that was that.

I don't know how much later it was but I do remember that it was a little warmer out. A group of people including myself were walking to the bus stop and the train. I had attended a birthday party and a group of us were looking at the pictures, the boy that I had had a crush on since freshman year was finally paying attention to me. (he was a senior) For some reason that meant nothing to me because I saw the boy that saved me from a long walk home alone in the cold walking ahead of my group. I walked up to him and asked his name, he told me it was John, and he just didn't look like a John to me, for some reason I said that is not you name, he told me his real name and I hesitated he tapped his friend and asked him to tell me his name, his friend said John he said no my real name, I laughed and his friend said oh and said his real name. I believed him. I started to tell him my name and he knew it already, I smiled and told him that I didn't know if I said it then but thank you for the bus pass. He smiled at me and said no problem.

After that day I started to pay attention, he would do little things like come and give me a hug before the school day started, now I couldn't remember his name, so I call him by the name of the shoes he always wore because he had them in every color. It was a normal thing for people to get to school early and walk around the hallways until homeroom began. We started to walk around the school together and I eventually remember his name and used it, then we started to walk home together. I would spend my afternoons with him just talking and walking around our neighborhood, I would tell my parents all kinds of lies about places I would be when I would really be with him.

I remember the day that I told him that I liked him, I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. I told him he was confusing me then tried to kiss him. He pulled away and looked at me like I was crazy, then told me that if he didn't like me he wouldn't be spending all that time with me, I felt kind of stupid but he made me feel better.

I can remember the fist time he told me that he loved me, I had started playing this stupid game like I love you about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 or something I started out at a 1 and went to a 4 like in two days. He made a chart on his wall. ( it is still there it is just covered by gray paint now) I told him I loved him first one night on the phone, he waited like two days to say it back and that made me so mad, I was fussing about something I really didn't care about and was trying to hide the fact that I was mad, he grabbed both my arms, looked me in my eyes, and told me to shut up, I looked at him with fire in my eyes and he said omigod I love you, but you talk too much. I think I melted right in his arms.

So many things stick out in my head about him it was like shit just wasn't real, for once I was happy you could see it all over my face, I think that was one of the last times that I was truly happy. Then one day it all changed I don't think he changed as a person, I think he got kinda of scared because I was going away to college, I never mixed my words when it came to that, I was very clear for the start that I had no plans to go to school here. Now that is very self centered of me I know that there were other things going on that added to his behavior and plus that is only my opinion.

One moment that sticks out in my mind is two days before I left to go away to college, he wanted me to come and see him, we hadn't been seeing eye to eye on anything that whole summer, he would say one thing and do another but it was expected because he spent the whole school year doing that, it hurt and I had just started to deal with it at that point I was tired of crying. I went to his house twice that day it was a Thursday the second time he was there, I remember sitting on his bed and he moved to the floor and turned his back to me. I was happy just to be in the same room as him so that didn't bother me. HE started to talk and he began to tell me that his girlfriend then showed him that he never really loved me. The was the day my heart broke completely, it had little cracks in it before then, but right then in that moment it broke. I got up and told him to lock the door, I remember him trying to hug me, and his father watching us in the hallway as I waited for the elevator that was taking too long and deciding to run down 20 flights of steps. I remember trying to keep my tears in until I got home because I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong. I got to my room and balled, I just cried I laid in my bed and cried for hours, trying to figure out what I did to make him stop loving me.

You think that would be the end of our story right? Nope! I am 23 now and this man is still around, so many people have come and gone and he is still here. I just want someone to tell me what this means, because at 15 I knew with everything that was me I was made just for him, and now at 23 I don't want to be with anyone really but myself. I know that I still love him and want to know why? I know that whenever he calls I drop everything because I feel like it is the right thing to do for some reason, why? Why is it that when I am around him I get this funny feeling that I cant explain? WHY?? Why is it at 23 I love this man the same way I did when I was 15, better yet am I just plum fuckin crazy. I am incapable of having what may be seen as a normal relationship with other men, but everything in my backwards relationship with him seem like it is suppose to happen this way. But this is the way that I feel right now who knows what I will feel like tomorrow.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lesson9: What is it Really?

Ok what is love and how does it work? My friend told me that you are not suppose to understand it, it just is I kinda agree with that because I say that you are not suppose to go looking for it but it is suppose to come to you. But what does that mean, I looked it up and Webster defines it as the following a Love: attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.

Now I know that I have felt this way, my problem is that I despite what I have said before I was in love and yes he was my great love. I just don't understand two people break up and both will go their separate ways but him he stays around now please don't get me wrong I have no problem with this I don't think. But I do have an issue with this, I have not been in a relationship since I was 17 years old and never again. I don't see the need but this one man has a way with me that I cant seem to explain. He makes me laugh and I like being around him. I need to laugh because lately I have not just been right.

I have asked my friend this question over and over and no one can answer this. Trust I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship persay but I guess that I should specify as to what I mean. I like to think that I am not a conventional person so why would anything I get involved in be normal or conventional? My point is I have no clue what I want but I do know that it wont be something normal. (whatever that means) I want it to be some crazy abnormal shit that no but the the important people get, I want other people to look at it and be plane ole confused about what they are looking at, like an abstract painting. Clearly an abnormal person would say something like that which proves my point completely.


But with all that being said nothing in me feels loved, I know my friends love or at least I think so. That is not what I am talking about, today my mother told me that I need a man to comfort me because she was tired of doing it. Lets not talk about how she is my mother and that is her job sometimes. Lets look at the fact that after getting pissed and wanting to crawl deeper into the hole that I am currently digging for myself, I thought about it and that is what I want well not a boyfriend but I want someone to love me. I want this unconditional love that no matter what type of crap comes out my mouth he still loves me, no matter how many cheese burgers I eat he will still love me, no matter how messy I am this man will still love me. Is that too much to ask for? For someone to look in my eyes and know that they love everything that is me and know without a doubt that I love him.

Is that too much to ask, I really want to know because I don't think so. But then again you cant depend on me because I am a bit much. Now I don't know where all of this came from all of a sudden. But the more I sit in the house alone with my thought this is what I think of, it is that ache. I have finally worked this shit out at least for now. (who knows how long this will last) So another question have I met my love or in the maylay of frustration did I miss him? I don't know about anyone else but I am a good judge of people I can tell with in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone what they are like. None of my friends can understand this but I do, I don't like to waste my time and I don't. I know when I have met someone that I wouldn't mind spending time with. (although those times are few and far between) I know that I have a habit of writing people off but to me I don't think it is a problem. I don't know if I am wrong but deep down I know it is not.

How is it that you meet someone and for almost 10 years the some how remain a consistent force in your life. How does that work? You have fused and fought with is person, yall have been through a lot and somehow they seem to always resurface some how,when so many people have come and gone this person is still there. It troubles me when I compare it to how many people you pass on the street in a day and might come in contact with later on in life and this one person has always had a way of coming back. I don't know it kind of bothers me. I don't understand how this person simply walked into my life, someone that I passed almost everyday that I really didn't pay attention to literally walked into to my life. I don't want to be presumptious but was this meant to be. I mean are we meant to be friends, if I told the story may it would be easier to understand. Its like when you know something deep down in your heart but you don't want to make assumptions because you have been wrong where this person is concerned. What is it really, what am I trying to say? I want someone to love me is that it?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Lesson 8: I Am Tired

Ok, I think that I am a gluten for punishment, I don't know why I revisit things, issues, people, whatever. I guess I wish that things will change when in fact people are still full of the same old bullshit. I never expect anything from anyone because when they fall short I will be angry and I hate that feeling so I don't expect anything from anyone. I do daydream and I think that is my problem, I build people up in my head and they always seem to fall short. I am so tired of being angry and lonely I have done it for so damn long and I am just tired it has finally worn me out. I am not saying that I want to be in a relationship I am saying that I do want someone or maybe something.

You know that pain you get in your chest that you sometimes try to pass off as heartburn but you know deep down that it is something else. Well in my case I think that I have figured out what it is, now my heart is not broken I have long since put it back together and moved on, but it is an ache. A longing type of ache that wants something that I am not willing to admit to myself is really there. It aches so bad that I cant and don't sleep, it keeps my mind going in confusing circles that make me sick. I have back myself into a conner that I cant get out of and it is like I am looking at myself, I am hold myself captive in this corner. This is something that I created myself and cant figure out how to get out.

I guess this place just got comfortable for me to be in and I have been there for so long that I never saw a reason to leave. But lately there have been things that have, well I don't want to say have changed or, well I don't know what to call it. I said earlier I don't know why I revisit certain situations but I think it is because I want to give the benifift of the doubt and see what is new. I think I am just confused because I have kinda decided to revisit a situation and I don't know what will happen and I have no control over anything. ( and you know how much I hate being out of control) The thing is it seems to be the same old shit, I hate when I start to let my guard down and then feel like I am going to regret it or feel used. I guess because I dont think that I use people and I try to be everything for everyone that I don't like to leave a person with regret. I don't like to let people down but it seem like even though I don't expect anything from anyone they always seem to promise me things spoken and unspoken and let me down or hurt my feelings. I think that is why I have put myself in a place that is comfortable, I have become so set in my ways at 23 when it comes to certain things it is so I don't get my feelings hurt.

I know that these types of things are a part of life and you have to learn from everything, but well I just don't know, I am tired of not know or having a clue about my own feelings. It seems like I can only figure out when I am mad as hell or tired but anything other than that I am clueless. Poeple get tired of looking for what is right in front of them or get tired of tring to show someone what is right in front of them. I THINK THAT AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE ALL ANYONE REALLY WANTS IS TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

This is not a lesson this more of some type of confusion, or a question.
Why????
Ok I have a problem why is it that when I have set my mind on some shit no one can understand or follow my lead. I don't ask for much just that people do what I ask every now and then. Then people send mixed signals, why???? Isn't it harder to send mixed signals then to say exactly what the hell is going on. (yes, no) Grrrrr. I am so frustrated with shit right now I would just love for once for everything to follow right in my life its like when things seem to go right other shit that I wasn't even contemplating steps and interrupts my happy fantasy. Just when I thought that I got rid of all the confusing people in my life some other confusing people step in and makes me want to hit them. I love simplicity and when I cant have that I get mad. I don't like to be bothered or knock off my axis, I am perfectly content spinning alone. I have tried to scale back on my fuck everybody else attiude that I have sometimes. (the days when you just don't answer your cell phone because you just don't want the world to bother you or fuck up the fantasy that you have created that day.) Now if you are one of my friends reading this yall know who and what the hell I am talking about. Because yes I am back on my infamous "fuck it" shit that I get on every now and then. Because I dont care I cant care becasue at the end of the day no one gives a fuck about me and the way that I am feeling or what is going through my head. I am sick of confussing people who are on some other shit. (fuck them and fuck this) I have my focus and I am done I have to make shit happen for myself I don't have time to play with other people. I am on my time and the shit is valuable to me.

NO MORE GAMES, THE SHIT JUST GOT REAL SERIOUS.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Lesson7: What Is Crazy About This Situation



Ok so I am crazy, I had dinner with one of my Fab friends this weekend, talking to her is like therapy to me. Because she is one of the very few people who know that I am a nut and I don't sensor myself for. As we talked I figured out that my behavior towards men is an adverse reaction to what I saw when I was growing up. I had strong women around me but they would always seem to buckle under the pressure of a man, and even as a little girl I found this to be strange. I will never forget I was 4 years old and my sister and I were at my grandmother's house and it was me her and her boyfriend at the time. The were arguing and he was threatening to leave. She threaten to hit him with a pan and he went towards the door she ran out of the kitchen and jumped in front of him and begged him not to go. I can remember standing in the living room watching this and thinking that this was one of the craziest things that I have ever seen and I was only four at the time. (clearly it stuck I am 23 and still remember this) Even as a little girl I wasn't very good at playing house because I wanted to be the boss of everyone and everything and I never wanted a husband.

I guess all of the things that I saw growing up affected me in a major way because it didn't stop with stories like that. I don't understand how women get so wrapped up in a man and lose themselves. My question is why I have seen it happen to many of my friends, I want to shake them and tell them to get over it why are you so wrapped up in this man. But then I think to myself Jessica everyone is not you. I think that people get lost in the idea of a relationship and being attached. Is it nice yes I am not going to take anything from the idea of relationships, but I don't think it is for me. I also don't think that I a ready to be in or capable of a relationship, I am too self centered and superficial. But that is something that I have embraced and vowed would only last a few more years (I think ok well maybe until I am 30)

I don't understand the dynamics of a romantic relationship because I have not seen good examples of them around me. My idea of a relationship I think is very simple:
1. I think that it should be a 50/50 thing.
2. Communication is key
3. Trust is very important
4. Always be yourself ( don't start things you don't plan to continue)
5. Speak your mind
6. Have fun
7. Don't loose who you are or give up what you believe in
8.Work together

These are just a few thing that I think are important but this is not everything because I cant limit myself to these eight things. It takes so much more to keep a relationship together.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Lesson6: MY IDEA OF LOVE


I think that everyone should have at least one great love in their lives, unfourtunatly I have never had that. Have I loved, yes but was he the one great one no, he was my first love in every way that that is possible. But I dont think that he was my great love he has been my only love in my 23 years of exsitance. I think love is one of those things that hits you hard, you never see it coming, and dont know what the hell is going on when you are in the middle of it.

Am I looking for love hell no I dont think that you should go looking for love that is where people make their mistakes. (although you can go looking for a date) Love is something instant hence the term fall you dont expect to fall you just do. I just get dissapointed when people take advantage of love because they dont understand the concept or the meaning of love. There is one basic concept it has to be unconditonal, love is so different for everyone but I think that is something that is a constant.

I also think that you only fall in love once people are so quick to throw around the word that they cant possible really be in love because it is not a figure of speech or something should slide off a person's tounge like they are going to get milk. I know that I said before that I have loved but it was something that was conditional because I am no longer in love. I think that love comes from a person's soul because the other person has gotten that deep. Think about it once someone has gotten that deep it is hard to let them go they have become a part of you, when they hurt you hurt when they are happy so are you. It is almost an obsessive thing because you can feel that person when they are not there, or the mare thought of them can brighten the darkest day.

Love is when you look into that person's eyes and see yourself because you are truely in their heart, and nothing you say or do will make that go away because they love you. Love can never be explained it is really one of those things that is just because, you shouldnt be able to sit and explain why you love someone. Love should leave you speechless. ( although a good case of lust can do the same)

I know that I have been in complete and utter lust for only too people ( we see how one ended up) but the other I hook that shit lock stock and barrel. I was not playin I made it up in my mind that I want that man (ok boy he was kinda young, legal though just barely) and I had him a few times on different occassions. I tend to do things just to see if I can get away with them, in most situations I do, but when I dont it pisses me off. I secretly become very obsessive over the situations and go ver it in my head. Because I want to know why I did not get my way I will replay shit over and over in my head to the point that my head will start to hurt.

To be honset I dont think that Iwill ever be in love I dont think that it is in the cards for me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Lesson5: A Converstaion Between Friends That Are Over It

Jessica says:LOL men make me sick this is why I am so done! if you aint trying to fuck then holla a t your girl lata sucka
Ashlee says:lol
Jessica says:I am an ass!!!! If it aint some old shit they tryin to hit like I am dumb and I dont know no better.I am too damn calculating for these fuckin games. shit lets just get to the mothafucking point I dont feel like playin
Ashlee says:are u bloggin that
Jessica says:no heifer I am talking to you. I am so tired of niggas playin games they better watch out because all this earth needs is about 1000 men and that is just for sperm and we can keep the gay ones. Cause we can do everything eles ourselves. I would be scared if I was a man and women start to smarten up.
Ashlee says:thats a good point
Ashlee says:scare the shit out of men
Jessica says:Ugh, I am just annoied then when I state the obvious I am a bitch because I am too damn mean, shit you said the bitch was whack that is why you are fuckin me, or that bitch looks like a troll but your asss will be seen with her in public what how dose that sound anywhere near right. But when Jessica says well boo that shit dont sound right, look right, or smell right but I am suppose to rock with
Jessica says:cause you told me too, oh I must look dumb if you think your bullshit is goin to rock. this shit is just messy they are all messy, thats why they shit get fucked up and then when bitches hurt they feelings I am suppose to clean up they shit. I am so fucking done with all of them I aint fucking with girls but I am done with niggas back to the old no respect having cold calculating Jessica. Niggas
Ashlee says:ok u need to calm down
Ashlee says:they are all worng for u
Ashlee says:hence u are beign spared
Ashlee says: in some way
Ashlee says:but i get ur anger
Jessica says:Didnt ask me to rock with dumb shit when I acted like that. Because they knew that I knew that they didnt have the brains God gave they ass.
Ashlee says:its true its a bituvh ur a bitch for speaiking the truth
Ashlee says:its the double standard
Jessica says:like elliot would say "damn J you aint have to say it like that" Why me why do the dummies always like me, is there repelent for this shit. Bottle would read: Keep away broke, no job having, momma's babies, who cant hink on their own, annoying, smelly, ugly, uneducated, clingy, lying, women beating, cry baby, non-apolgetic, soft, non-sex having men (good for anything eles we left out)
Jessica says:money back garunteed!!!!
Ashlee says:damn
Jessica says:Nasty!?
Ashlee says:yea
Ashlee says:but true
Ashlee says:and if tis tiude
Ashlee says:true
Ashlee says:it need to be said
Ashlee says:u got the gutas to say it
Jessica says:I always have the guts you know I never hold my tounge
Ashlee says:i know"
Jessica says:Thats why I am a bitch
Jessica says:or better yet a stuck up ho
Ashlee says:nahhh
Ashlee says:ppl cant handle the truth
Jessica says:LOL
Jessica says:I dont ask questions that I dont want to know the anwsers to, I always want the truth. I always say the truth might make me cry but a lie makes me violent
Ashlee says:nice ananlogy
Ashlee says:ur ona roll tonite